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Our family dog, kind of a cross between a beagle and a pug is in service to Her Majesty, The Queen. Okay, maybe not. But our dog (who’s identity I must protect, let’s just call him Pierce) likes to tunnel, chew through his leash, and has made a draw bridge out of a section of my wooden fence. He doesn’t seem that interested in getting messages out to his comrades by escaping through the space in the fence (too cold for spy action, I guess) but I suspect that in the spring the espionage will continue, and I’ll find him sharing “secrets” with the girl poodle across the way. With this in mind, I will soon install the Pets Observation Porthole in the south west side of my fence, which faces the nearby puppy park. The porthole is an acrylic, concave dome that makes it easy for your canine pet to see what’s going on in the world, without being in the middle of the fray, like most spies, you know. I’ll probably put in about three of them, at different heights, so it’s not all random-looking. You know, make it a bit like architecture.

Look, dogs are curious creatures. When I say curious I mean nosy. The porthole provides the opportunity for my pet to monitor doggy business without tearing up my dang-gum fence. I mean, I thought having opposable thumbs gave me the advantage, but I am shocked at the number of things he has demolished without the use of human tools. That white picket fence is the only remnant of the America from my childhood, I’d like to pass it on to my kids, instead of barbed wire and bars, and I’ll be darned if I let my cuddly, snobby English beagle take that away from me!