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It’s nearly officially spring. It gets warm, and the sky doesn’t know what to do, so it rains, and you never know when that’s going to happen. Fine. Go ahead, rain then. I just got used to unrelenting snow storms, and now it’s going to rain on me. I know, it’s not personal. It’s just that, I’m like an Alaskan sled-pulling dog when it comes to snow. I know how much we’ll get, when it’s going to start falling and from which direction– I’ve made up MY OWN words for snow. I know which snow you can eat and which snow to steer clear of. But rain? I’m like, rain deaf or something. Rain blind. I’m always shocked when I get caught in a storm– showers just comes out of know where. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS when it’s going to rain! Doppler my butt.
What’s worse are the days when I bring a friggin’ umbrella and it doesn’t rain– I’m stuck carrying a stick in a vinyl dress all day. What about the days when it’s raining enough to launch Noah’s Arc? Once, I had to borrow the receptionist’s umbrella to get to a meeting. It was pink, and covered with dancing unicorns. Talk about embarrassing.
And another thing– I can’t stand my office mates who, at the slightest threat of rain, come to work with an umbrella built for TEN. You know the ones. Those umbrellas that have the circumference of Switzerland. A wing span of a teenage pterodactyl. Walking to and from my car on rainy days when THE GIANTS have their umbrellas taking up air space I’m always afraid that I’m going to lose an eye or something. And once people get to work, they pop their umbrellas open to dry. You put eight gi-normous umbrellas in the break room– it’s like an obstacle course! A poor man’s bumper cars.
So, like any good boy scout, I have decided to be prepared, in an understated way– I bought a flat briefcase umbrella. The thing folds up like the evening paper– FLAT, and can just live in your brief case, or coat pocket– it only weighs 8 ounces. No, it’s not the size of a toy– it has a 43″ arc– it will keep the water from spilling down the back of your shirt. Pops open with a touch of a button. There, there– turn that frown upside down.
