If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. That way, you can have new posts delivered right to you. Or click here to subscribe to The Men's Gift Guide by Email Thanks for visiting!

Okay yall. . . I thought I’d seen it all. But obviously, I have never been to Milan. I am not an international playboy. My name is not Mazimillian Copper. I have never participated in the Gumball 3,000 race, through the twisted streets of Europe, partying like a trust fund baby waking up in someone else’s underwear. I DRIVE A PRIUS. I have a wife and children, and a mortgage. I DO NOT wipe my nether regions with colored toilet paper, like so many fantastic European, globetrotting hipsters, and those who do, I will from this moment forward call, “rumpsters.” I’m not really mad. I just don’t get it. But I LOVE it.

I stared at that black roll of toilet paper like a cave man looking at fire for the first time. Can you imagine doing a TP run on the neighbour’s trees with black toilet paper? Oh my God. . .But. . . WHY?? Why does this exists? Because the Portuguese know how to make ships, and they can clean up after themselves, in style. Made in Portugal by the company Renova, this toilet paper will soon be traded like a commodity, no doubt. Dang. This colored TP is so IN THE FUTURE, it’s like realizing that you’re fighting with bronze swords when the world has moved on to iron, and you better do something about that. The Inquisition has burned people at the stake for less. I keep trying to find something wrong with this, but I can’t! The paper is 100% biodegradable. It’s dermatologically and gynecologically tried and tested– chlorine-free and completely recyclable. HOLY CRAP. Excuse the pun, but this is awesome, 3-ply non-toxic heaven– and the colors don’t run! Man, I wonder if the TP is engaging enough to trick my youngest into getting potty trained.