Back in olden days, when I met my wife, I was the quintessential bachelor. Not like today’s metro-sexual who exfoliates and watches Project Runway. I mean, I slept on the floor on a mattress, used out-door patio furniture INDOORS, because it was easy to clean, and, I kept my collection of books, stacked along the wall, like a friggin’ caveman. Yes, my mother taught me better than that– but I moved out of her house and into the college dorms where all the furniture sprouted out of the walls and was bolted to the floor. People, there WAS NO IKEA, okay?! There was just all this fine-crafted, colonial-looking stuff that was perfect, if you were one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence. That was just never my style.

So, now I’m all grown up and sitting on actual furniture– yeah it’s GREAT. But my books. Still piling up and sliding all over the shelves. I hate those metal, library-issue bookends– either they shock me, when I touch them, after shuffling across the carpet, or I end up nicking my hand on them or something. One year my wife bought me carved busts of Abraham Lincoln that were also bookends. I don’t know– they kind of scared me. You know, walking by the home office on the they way bed, when out of the corner of my eye, there’s honest Abe, but just his stone face gazing at me– and he’s managed to cloned himself. Shivers. Shivers down my spine.

So, after much hunting, I found these quote unquote bookends. Your first thought might be, “Oh, that’s whimsical.” No. Whimsical would be two, tiny ceramic Yorkshire Terriers trying to support your long-winded, antique, twelve-volume Mark Twain collection. Ridiculous. The quote unquote bookends are understated, but eye-catching. The matte finish, concrete quotation marks coated in a seamless layer of black rubber, say, “Handsome, Smart, Modern War Correspondent.” These 2lbs. quote unquote marks in a bold font say, “Welcome to my NEWSEUM!” Abe, you’re history!